Every · Baby · Needs · a · Lap

Today was one of the worst days i've had in weeks. I'm tired and I had a terrible child at work and things were awful. I should have just come home and gone to bed, but instead I was reminded of how behind I am in my credit card payments. I've been trying to figure out a way to fix the situation, but it's no use. I want to crawl under a rock and die.

I am so incredibly horrible at this journaling thing. I said since I got pregnant that I would do it regularly and try to journal my pregnancy, kinda so my sis and others could follow along if they so choose. I, however, suck!! hehe

Anyway, I heard my baby's heartbeat last week. Thursday to be exact. Today I am 9 weeks 5 days. I don't think that I've started to show at all. In fact, I feel like I look thinner than usual...at least in the face. My pants are getting a little tight though. It's really sad. I am not comfortable in my OWN CLOTHES!! Ick. People are like "you can't tell you're pregnant." I'm like, no kidding!? hehe I guess I shouldn't be so sarcastic, but it's in my nature.

I talked to Darnell quite a bit today. I basically ended up kinda rippin' his ass because he said he didn't like the name Zahria for the baby. He said it wasn't a black name. I said, "So what!? What do you want to name it?" And of course, he said some stupid name like Laquisha or something, and I said NO.......then I said he would not be naming my baby unless it was a name that we completely agreed upon. And his reply was, "We wouldn't have to be agreeing on a name if you had kept your head on straight and acted like an adult." Which, of course, implied that if I had gone thru with the termination, everything would be fine and we wouldn't have any issues right now. That's when I yelled at him because he doesn't want me to be excited at all, it seems. He told me "Be excited, I don't care." So, he was being kind of a weiner about it, yet he gets on my daily about eating. He thinks I don't eat enough. The other day he said "You're gonna gain it, there's nothing you can do about it, so you might as well eat." But I think that if I'm not hungry.....I'm not going to eat. Plain and simple.

But now, I'm just chillin' at the apartment BY MYSELF for once. It's really kinda nice. I actually have time to journal. But I'm going to play a game or watch a movie or something. Thanks for reading if you're still doing so. I know I don't have any friends really on livejournal..........but, what can ya do?? Night all.

I am very tired today. Although I thought it'd be a good day since it was my first Dr.'s appointment, it was quickly spoiled when the mail came today. I got a letter from my grandmother that gave me the feeling that I am an extreme burden on her and I should be stopped. And she heard about my little "situation" and she is not happy about it. Then I just thought about it more and more and felt worse and worse and couldn't get ahold of my mom or anyone else for that matter. Finally got ahold of mom and talked to her for a while and feel semi better. I don't know, I'm just stressed and worried about things. But I am 8 weeks 1 day today......due date is March 30, although it will surely be changed at some point in the pregnancy.

I just got home from Ken & Laurie's house. Laurie, of course, had to give me the motherly speech time and time over. She said that I deserve way more than this and it's not that she thinks I can't raise the baby, but that I need to think about whether or not I really WANT to. She just wants "so much more" for me and all this other stuff. And while she's glad I've got a full time job now, she thinks that I need to keep looking because $8.50 per hour is not really going to cut it as far as raising babies and paying student loans. Anyway, I is tired and so is baby, so we are off to bed. Nighty night!!

So, I have successfully told, I think, everyone about the baby. I just told my Aunt Laurie and Uncle Ken who have been supportive of me through college. They said they'd do all they could to help me. I was surprised at how she reacted. Will write more later.

I hate school. I want to quit, but I'm feeling a little better about it after talking to my advisor today. I have been doing nothing but arguing with Mike lately. I mean, it's not like we're together, but it still sucks to be shitty with each other all of the time. But he's stressed trying to get a job and an apartment, and I'm stressed because my favorite roommate moved out and I have virtually no hours at work and I have a huge credit card bill to pay because I'm an idiot with boyfriends and I just want to scream and cut Terry's balls off. I got a call today from him. I answered it because I've decided not to take him to court. I figured that I'll probably get more money out of him if I don't take him to court than if I do. Plus, there's still a chance that I can get a written agreement that he owes this money to me. I've talked to Todd a lot today. Nice guy. Don't know if anything's going to happen there. Ate lunch with Dad today and Todd called me while I was with him. Unfortunately, that just triggered Dad's lectures about being involved with "these black guys" and "you just need to find you a nice white boy".......THANK YOU FATHER, BUT I'M JUST FINE. Went to Wal-Mart and bought some of the things that are now missing from our house since Erika moved. Anyway, considering all of this stress....I'm failing some classes, so I'm trying to get those up and going. It's killer. I might just die soon. Anyway, I have to keep motivating myself. I WILL graduate in May. But, nonetheless, I am going to leave Lincoln this weekend. I'm going to my sister's on Friday night and then to my parents' house Saturday. Mom's all excited for her daughters to come home. She even invited Grandma....and now that the house doesn't look so shitty, Gram will ACTUALLY come over. Anyway, I'm more excited about spending the weekend with Hayls than anything else, but it should prove to be fun. I think I better git.....i need to get some spanish homework done. No me gusta la tarea. If you're still reading this....sorry, I know, kinda long-winded. I know Hayley is the only one reading.....because she is the only person on LJ that I am a friend of. And that's okay, I guess....I don't update often enough to have friends on here. Anyway, peace up and have a good night.

So, after several months of saying nothing...I finally posted a comment in my sister's journal. And now *gasp* I'm updating my own. What have I done over the past several months, you ask? Well, I got a good job that paid hella cash for a kid without a degree. Then I quit it, because i worked 36 hrs a week and went to school full time and got REALLY sick and it was bad. Now I work at the same place, but a mere 12 hrs per week. I broke up with the biggest idiot in the whole world who now refuses to admit that we're not together and told me that he would stalk me if he had to. Sounds pretty creepy to me!! And right now, I'm sitting in the computer lab, waiting for my friend Amber P, so we can make some final arrangements for the step show that is TONIGHT!! Thank God it will be over soon, but it's going to be OFF THA CHAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, that's my life in a nutshell. Hope to hear from you (even though I know I won't).

Much love to whomever reads this!!

So, it has been well over a month since I've updated this thing. I now have 1 1/2 weeks of class left...and then finals. I really need to get out of here. I've gone from loving my job, to hating it, to being okay with it all within the past month. I'm having a rough time getting through this semester, but I can do 1 1/2 more weeks.

Looking forward to summer. Taking a couple of classes and working. I guess I don't really have much else to say.

I think it's unfortunate that people like us let other people who have a desire to feel powerful treat us like this. Especially when we deserve and are worth so much more. Life is entirely too short to be unhappy all of the time. Think about that.